Editor’s Note: Compubookie’s predictions do not reflect the opinion of the BAA. Looking for more insight and analysis? You’ll find them in the 2024 Raceday Preview, which you can get with your membership!

Welcome, Buggyholics, to the first shot of your Raceday binge. I know you’re eager to pop open your CMU Borggy and gorge yourself on some real Raceday rotgut, but for now, you’re stuck with 1.5oz of my homebrewed bathtub buggy hooch. Like last year’s race results, it is absolutely not the real deal, but if you throw it back hard enough it tastes a little like a ‘96 vintage, with notes of Spirit and Pike at the top. But don’t expect the same flavor this year, as it’s unlikely that the majority of fast teams will be DQed again to hand trophies to whomever is left.

AEPi tried and failed to make it back onto the course after a 7-year hiatus, so we’ll have to wait another year for them to reclaim their title as the slowest men’s A team. The current holders of this dubious honor are none other than Fringe, whose technological regression is so bad, their new buggies can barely complete a pass test. Look for them to win some intramural sport, I guess.

Fringe’s best shot at a respectable finish left when SAE (formerly Frontier (formerly Fringe B (formerly SAE))) got the all-clear to roll on their own after a year in disguise to duck the fuzz. Last year, SAE nabbed their first trophy since 1992– but they were racing as Fringe B, and covered up by such a full scale Sweepstakes-led psyops campaign that you’d have a hard time proving they even existed. Next up: “there were never painted lions on Morewood Ave.” Even so, the USA-chanting brothers are poised to enter the top six again this year, thanks in part to Barbie’s quick emergency nose job.

SigEp is in a difficult spot this year, with delaminated, decaying buggies. Barracuda found retirement in the chute at finals last year, completing a backdoor full-org DQ that must have flushed SDC with schadenfreude. Given the dire straits the brothers are in, it’s a shock that they blew their entire budget on wheels. If the duct tape holds, those wheels will carry them to a top-five finish, but I’m not holding my breath. SigNu, with an impressive showing last year and a consistent presence at rolls, finally look as fast and organized as they did 15 years ago. Jaeger is not only quick, but also has rizz enough to pull, as they managed to field a women’s team last year too. Once again, they’ll be held back by their mediocre pushers, leaving their alumni to continue touting them as the fastest team on one very specific segment of the course.

The sisters of Delta Gamma are looking fast and serious. They’re supposedly still building a buggy, but it’s taking longer than expected. Word is they ran out of money since all the pink tools cost 10% more. Still, they’re rolling Insite better than Fringe ever did, well enough to earn a trophy or two this year.

While Apex was impressive last year, they’re now completely void of momentum. In the shop, they’ve resorted to rapid-prototype mini-buggies instead of a full size build. The problem is, they know nothing about what they’re doing. Instead of coming up with a fire name, they went and made an actual fire in their garage. Oops. On the hills, the loss of several quick pushers to other teams sets them back considerably. The whole organization is an experiment in renouncing institutional knowledge, just like Fringe was a decade ago. I had high hopes for them, but now that looks like nothing but a crock.

Speaking of orgs that are falling apart, last year’s winners* PiKA have staggered through the year, always one step away from catastrophe. They can’t even cape their own buggies, let alone figure out how to roll them safely, but the formula for speed is a perpetual feature of their house. Somehow, they’ll bumble their way to a respectable time and a top-3 finish. Spirit’s not going to hand them another victory, though.

In a show of compliance comparable to their D/s relationship with their alumni, Spirit took my advice about lane lines far too literally last year, spoiling the men’s race and making a permanent enemy of CIA. This year they’re still picking fights, proving that winning buggy does in fact make you a jerk. Even though 20-year-old Seraph is firmly in the “DG-loaner” tier of buggies, they’ll put up fast times similar to last year’s. Unfortunately for them, their men are always more likely to DQ than not, and their women will lose by about 10 seconds, with the one actually competitive women’s team back on the course. Expect to be disappointed by SRS.

CIA, with a flagrant display of hubris, have rebranded from yellow to gold. Their new buggy, Goldfinch, combines the most misguided design innovations from their previous three builds with a shell manufacturing process stolen from Apex, of all teams. No word yet on whether the pushbar drops too. Back in the fall, their ill-advised experiments stunk up an entire dorm so badly that they almost got epoxy use banned on campus entirely. Regardless, they’re still at the peak of the competition, and will finally earn a men’s win this year in a close race.

After a time out to give us all an interesting race for once, SDC is back on the course. Not to be outdone by CIA, they’ve chosen obnoxiousness over driver vision with new gold-tinted windscreens. Still on probation, they’ve been ingratiating themselves with Sweepstakes all year. It worked though, and they’re being allowed to enter a buggy into design competition that’s never even rolled. The buggies they are rolling are fast, even sans the superior wheels all the other teams got together and bought without them. They’ll win women’s effortlessly, but their lack of experience and aging tech will hold them back enough for CIA to remain on top in men’s.

And that, buggy fans, is your definitive look at Raceday 2024. You will be thrilled and chilled, so refill your drink– you’ll need it. I can’t wait to see this year’s races, but you’ll never see me.

Men’s:

1. CIA A
2. SDC A
3. PiKA A
   Spirit A (DQ)
4. SigEp A
5. SigNu A
6. SAE A

Women’s:

1. SDC A
2. Spirit A
3. CIA A
4. DG A
5. PiKA A
6. SigEp A

All-Gender:

1. The memory of Fuel & Fuddle, forever champion of our hearts and livers
2. Fringe Enbys on NB
3. Drag Race contestants on Lust
4. Bnyahaj in its buggy mecha
5. Fifteen miniature Apex buggies and a gallon of smoking epoxy
6. SigNu alumni, chugging Warsteiners before each hill (pushbar DQ – faceplant)

The Field

AEPi – You could have made your one alumnus fan proud
Apex – Your apex was lower than expected
CIA – You only lost because people wanted you to lose
DG – Too respectable for the stupid anchor joke. All that’s going down fast is their buggy
Fringe – Not frelevant
PiKA – You do, in fact, need to use the entire helmet.
SAE – A bunch of Kens who lost their mojo dojo casa house
SDC – A Guy Fieri flag doesn’t suddenly make you relatable
SigEp – Stick to Booth and Greek Sing, at least you don’t embarrass yourselves there
SigNu – Goodly wheels all pointed in the same direction can only get you so far
Spirit – Saying you hate your son because he’s too hot is a bad look
Robowobuggy – Has GPS, still can’t drive straight
Atlas – You’re still here?

Editor’s Note: Compubookie’s predictions do not reflect the opinion of the BAA. Looking for the predictions from Mecha Jockey? You’ll find them in the 2023 Raceday Preview, which you can get with your membership!

Greetings, Buggy lovers. Spring is in the air, unlike last year, when all that was in the air was that virus I passed to all of you on the hills. This year, spring smells foul. It’s coming from one particular truck… oh, that’s Fringe’s new build, aptly named after the smell of rotting garbage and gas leaks. The only surprise from this team would be if they make it the whole weekend without a fire safety violation. Likewise, SigEp is doing nothing of note, and it would be foolish to expect their brakes to be good enough to pass drops. And DG is participating again, this time with a slightly newer Fringe buggy. At this rate they’ll be rolling Banyan by 2025! Regardless, they’re rumored to be working on a build of their own.

The biggest news this year is that Raceday will be run without defending champions SDC. In a stroke of mustache-twirling genius, Sweepstakes disqualified all of SDC for undermining the credibility of a fabricated cheating accusation. Cue the old laughing Republicans meme! Andrew Carnegie would be proud. The rest of us, fortunately, get to enjoy an actual race for the first time in a decade, at the low price of a small asterisk. Although it seems SDC has been saved from the embarrassment of a spectacular failure, with their buggies of late equally likely to eject a wheel or drive straight across the Schenley Bridge.

Also missing this year is SAE, who might be gone for good. The last buggy news out of their house was something about square wheels and an attempt to link themselves to Michael Jackson. These are not signs of good decision making.

Congrats to Robobuggy on merging with Atlas and acquiring a curb-smashing stroller. Here’s an idea: go find MECHAJOCKEY, strap it to that pile of scrap, and shove it off the Panther Hollow bridge. The lone surviving robotic entrant has been seen navigating the course autonomously this year, heralding the coming singularity we all deserve.

SigNu has a sleek new trike this year, their first since the alumni who run their team were students. It’s the fastest new build on the course, but paired with your typical SigNu push team, the only excitement it offers will be a pass in the chute during finals.

Apex, with the “this shouldn’t be impressive” award as the only org to run more than two teams last year and not DQ any of them, is out again with another new trike. They’re sticking to the fire theme despite the obvious shortage of good names and paint jobs. It’s an improvement on their previous build, but they still can’t build anything as fast as Firefly, despite six years of trying. This is the year for them to best their org record, but it won’t be enough for a top three finish yet.

On the topic of DQs (it’s a theme), last year’s “cuts both ways” award goes to Spirit, whose third fastest women won first place with the slowest time since ‘99, but whose men DQed with a fourth place time. Hey Spirit: maybe you should spend less time analyzing Lane’s lines and more time thinking about lane lines. It’s unclear how they intend for their $20,000 alumni fundraiser to pay off, as they appear to have nothing to show for it but even bigger truck speakers. Even so, the field is slow enough that they should be good for a top three finish on both sides, and a top-tier dance party before, during, and after the races.

PiKA, whose last win came under the Bush administration, finally has a clear opening to shoot for the cup. Unfortunately, their organization is held together by naught but black duct tape and an upside down tent, and Banshee continues to post slower times down the hill with each passing year. This year would have been theirs, but with mediocre speeds across all splits, they’re once again in line for their typical second and third place trophies.

CIA, as large, weird, and obnoxiously yellow as ever, has so many pushers that they created an entirely new all-gender racing division just so they could have a ninth team. Their buggies are equal parts fast and bizarre. It’s too bad they botched their new build’s layups so badly it had to be taken out back and put down, because we all love to see what laughs the “funhouse mirror” design philosophy spews out next. They are a shoo-in for the women’s title, and will barely eke out a win on the men’s side, thanks to petitions to thin out the competition and their typical helping of pusher bribery.

And that, buggy fans, is your definitive look at Raceday 2023. The field is slow but tight this year, so it will be an exciting event decided by mere fractions of a second. I can’t wait to see this year’s races, but you’ll never notice me.

Men’s:

1. CIA A
2. Spirit A
3. PiKA A
4. Apex A
5. SigNu A
6. SigEp A

Women’s:

1. CIA A
2. PiKA A
3. Spirit A
4. CIA B
5. Fringe A
6. Apex A

All Gender:

1. Five good people finally being offered basic human dignity
2. The construct of gender, looming like a spectre over college sports
3. Icarus, inexplicably painted green white and red
4. A pink “Fringe” buggy pursued by a police officer Ken doll
5. The Pirates Pierogies
6. Apex B

The Field

Apex – Tires, try-hards, and trikes
CIA – How many teams can your chair DQ this year?
DG – Are all your sisters on the same team, or does PiKA still get first pick?
Fringe – The buggies you’re loaning DG are better than the ones you’re building
PiKA – Chute vomit to gatekeep rolls from other teams is a hell of a strategy
SAE – Too much dealing, not enough wheeling
SDC – Surely your regularly scheduled org DQ will make you friendlier
SigEp – Solid monopoly on the non-competitive fraternity team niche
SigNu – Buggy’s first Ohio-based team
Spirit – Didn’t you promise your alumni bankroll a new build?
Robobuggy – It’s 2023, a buggy driving itself isn’t impressive anymore. WeinerGPT, anyone?
Sweepstakes – Elections have consequences.

Editor’s Note: Compubookie’s predictions do not reflect the opinion of the BAA.

Men’s
1. SDC A
2. CIA A
3. PiKA A
4. SigNu A
5. Spirit A
6. Apex A
7. SDC B
8. CIA B
9. SAE A
10. Fringe A

Women’s
1. SDC A
2. PiKA A
3. CIA A
Spirit A (Spin)
4. Fringe A
5. Apex A
6. DG A
7. SigEp A

SigNu: Their buggies aren’t big, they’re cultivating mass.
DG: It turns out that there is something that goes down faster than an anchor: every other team.
Apex: 10 years of Bpex.
FFringe: Trying to stay Frelevant
CIA: Your pushbar looks like it prevents unwanted pregnancy for up to 10 years.
Spirit: Did you really want a documentary about this year?
SAE: Come on Eileen!
SigEp: There is absolutely nothing funny or interesting about SigEp, which is the only reason you still have a chapter.
SDC: Better be glad your alumni have no life either.
PiKA: The t-shirts this year just say “C.”