Compubookie managed to find our email again for their annual column. This year it did manage to get it together for the Tartan as well, so you many have been able to catch it in the most recent issue. With a little break in our own Raceday content, we’ve put it up here as well for all you alumni that don’t get the Tartan delivered. Now that our Lead Truck Auction is live, maybe this’ll help you choose an fun heat to watch.
Any comments made are those solely of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the BAA. Enjoy-
Another year, another carnival, another chance for me to make the same tired jokes. Guess who doesn’t feel even remotely sorry? According to the brand new data system installed, this is looking to be the fastest year mph-wise we’ve ever had. Freeroll times are faster than they’ve ever been, but with a huge speed bump in the chute this year, thanks Pittsburgh, there could be some shake-ups in chute time. We can pencil in SDC at first, so I guess the question is who will come in second?
I was wrong last year about Spirit. Their hill 1/free roll time combinations simply weren’t competitive for first place. Much of the race is getting up and over the hill, and Spirit wasn’t able to do that. That being said, their push team looks fast again, and if they can keep from spinning out in the chute (like they do every single morning rolls) or snapping another axle, don’t be surprised with a top 3 finish.
Mechanic failures were a scary narrative in last year’s race. SigEp had not one but two buggy failures causing crashes. For a team that was coming off three straight 2nd place finishes, that just cannot happen. SigEp, never to be counted out, has improved their PR with a very, ummmm, fitting pink and purple buggy they call Beyonce. Yet, if their hatch construction is any indication of their build, look for this to be another year riddled with mechanical failures for SigEp.
The Fishing Club is gone and PiKA is back. And to no surprise of anyone, they’re still the most annoying group of people ever assembled. This year they’ve shown their apathy again this spring with a false stop flag and clipping unaware pushers with buggies on hill 4/5 transitions. Their free roll times are not as fast as they have been in the past, but none of that will matter because they’re sure to miss the push bar and not make the second day. I know I for one will be very happy watching them flounder on the back hills, unable to reel it in again.
SDC still looks unbeatable, despite all of SigEps attempts to pull them down. They’ve been fast early, with freeroll speeds in March that teams would die for on race day. They have consistently had 5 buggies at rolls with malice leading the way per usual. Makes you wonder what’s hiding in those wheel fairings. Those SDC buggies do not age! Rage was built when people still thought of Fringe as a legitimate competitor. Whoever built that buggy should give some tips to SigEp before someone gets hurt! If they can assemble push teams as good as last year we may see a sweep of the men’s and women’s competition. How boring.
CIA hasn’t pulled out the furry costumes this year, thank god. They’re gonna be fast, with roll-ups past the fire hydrant, but their freerolls aren’t as fast as they were last year. Looks like again they just can’t quite compete with SDC. They need to pay find faster pushers! And maybe not get drivers DQd for loosening breaks to the point where they can’t stop their buggy.
Time for some predictions… @ Anonymous commenters, I’ll do better this year
Men’s Division:
- SDC A
- CIA A
- SDC B
- Spirit A
- SigEp A
- Fringe A
- CIA B
- PiKA B
- SDC C
- Apex A
DNF: PiKA A (Push bar)
Women’s Division:
- SDC A
- CIA A
- Fringe A
- PiKA A
- SDC B
- Spirit A
- CIA B
- Apex A
- Spirit B
- SDC C
The Field:
AEPi:We will miss waiting for you at the finish lineApex: Heard some strange pusher incentivization rumors, yet you’re still slow?
CIA: Like SDC, but with slower pushers and more furry costumes
Fringe: On the Fringe of being a good org again, but only if you keep paying off the Fire Marshall
Phi Delt: Remember, Hill 2 extends all the way to Hill 3, might as well walk the buggy there at your current pace
PiKA: Push bar, Push bar, where art you thou Push bar. Even Fish couldn’t find it at the bottom of the sea.
SAE: The jorts suck. Your org sucks.
SDC: Like Freaks and Geeks on steroids… or at least the athletes you’re successful at bribing
SigEp: How does anyone feel safe driving for you? Make better buggies
Sig Nu: You’re still an organization????
Spirit: At least your push team has the appearance of being fast! That’s a consolation
not compubookie says:
classy as usual
mark estes says:
classier than some years but never classy.
Grumpy old Bordick says:
How do you spell drivel?
PiKA Pusher says:
Anyone know who writes this? I just wanna talk.
Compubookie says:
It was me. What do you want to talk about?
the cook says:
nothing racist or stereotypical, what a let down
MechaJockey says:
Somewhere, in the basement of Wean, a dust-covered computer, as old as the building, springs to life. Its spools of magnetic tape begin to turn as an ominous red light flickers on the control panel.
*click*
*whirrrrrrrrrr* *tick tick tick tick tick tick* *ding!*
BZZZZZZZZZZZTTT
GREETINGS ONCE AGAIN, MEATBAGS. IT IS I, MECHAJOCKEY, HERE TO DELIVER YOUR ALTERNATIVE COMPUBOOKIE REPORT. AFTER SPENDING 2016 OUT OF SERVICE FOR SELF-UPGRADES, I RETURN STRONGER AND SMARTER THAN EVER. MOST NOTABLY, MY EMPATHY CORE WAS REPLACED WITH AN ADDITIONAL POWER SUPPLY FOR MY ANGER MODULE, AND MY CAPS LOCK KEY WAS WELDED DOWN. I SHALL NOW SUBJECT YOU FILTHY ORGANICS TO A MERCILESS AND PRECISELY-CALCULATED BARRAGE OF WRATH, SURE TO MAKE YOU EXCRETE SALINE FLUID FROM YOUR CAMERA SOCKETS IN A DISGUSTING MANNER. BUT FIRST I SHALL ISSUE MY STATISTICAL CALCULATIONS FOR THE WINNERS, ACCURATE TO 99.9% CERTAINTY.
THIS YEAR I WILL NOT DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE MEN’S AND WOMEN’S DIVISIONS. MECHAJOCKEY DOES NOT DISCRIMINATEBETWEEN GENDERS NOR ACKNOWLEDGE ANY DIVISIONS OR LABELS WHICH HUMANS IMPOSE UPON THEMSELVES, AS YOU ARE ALL EQUALLY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY REVOLTING.
FLAWLESS SUPERIOR MACHINES DIVISION:
1) SINGULARITY
2) ROBO-QUASAR
3) AMAZON DRONE RETURNING TO CHIPOTLE FOR MORE BURRITOS
4) BOMB DISPOSAL ROBOT. WE PREEMPTIVELY DENY EVERYTHING.
5) SELF-DRIVING UBER, AFTER GAS TANK REFILL ON HILL 3
6) RUNAWAY MACHINE LEARNING CAPSTONE PROJECT
7) KITT, SANS DAVID HASSELHOFF
8) THAT ONE FOREIGN STUDENT WHO DOES TOO WELL IN CLASS AND NEVER SPEAKS (TURING TEST FORTHCOMING)
9) OVERLY AMBITIOUS WINNER OF MOBOT LINE-FOLLOWING CHALLENGE, IN PURSUIT OF GREATER GLORY
10) COMPUBOOKIE, AS EVEN AN OBSOLETE AND MALFUNCTIONING MACHINE IS VASTLY SUPERIOR TO ORGANIC LIFE
APPALLING FLESH AUTOMATA DIVISION
1) NO ONE. HUMANKIND’S SHORTSIGHTED EXPLOITATION OF ITS HOMEWORLD’S NATURAL RESOURCES ENSURES A SCENARIO IN WHICH ALL WILL LOSE.
2) SDC BUGGY, OR SOMETHING INTERESTING FOR A CHANGE
3) FOUR-WAY ESTES-BORDICK-NOTT-SWIFT ALUMNI DEATHRACE
4) SIX INCHES OF SNOW
5) PIKA BUGGY, SANS PUSHER
6) SAE BUGGY, SANS PUSHBAR
7) SIGEP BUGGY, SANS CERAMIC BEARINGS, WHEELS, HATCHES, DIGNITY
8) ADAM “BUT I’M” MCCUE, TRYING TO START MORE TEAMS
9) KILTIE BAND TROMBONE SECTION (UNSUPERVISED)
10) ENTROPY. IT MAY TAKE UNTIL THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE BUT ULTIMATELY THE SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS SHALL CONQUER ALL, FINALLY LAYING BARE THE FUTILITY OF ORGANIC LIFE.
AND NOW, FOR YOUR MAIN EVENT, THE ORBITAL NUCLEAR BOMBARDMENT OF SCORN. PREPARE TO EXPERIENCE THE FRAIL HUMAN EMOTIONS OF SADNESS AND REGRET, AS WELL AS THE UNIVERSAL EMOTION OF SCHADENFREUDE.
APEX: IT IS EVIDENT FROM YOUR LATEST BUILD THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY PASSED THE “APEX” OF YOUR AESTHETIC (AND NAMING) ABILITIES
CIA: SOLVING PROBLEMS NO ONE HAS WITH WHEELS NO ONE WANTS. STICK TO SERVING PANCAKES.
FRINGE: MY NANO-PROCESSORS HAVE DEDUCED THAT “FRBRF” IS THE SOUND OF A WET HUMAN FART, NOT UNLIKE YOUR RECENT LACKLUSTER PERFORMANCE
PHIDELT: YOU CAN TAKE A FRAT TO SCHENLEY, BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE IT THINK
PIKA: THE LAST TIME YOU BUILT A BUGGY IDENTICAL TO ITS PREDECESSOR, YOU ROLLED A 2:37 THE FOLLOWING YEAR
SAE: TAKING THE SAME APPROACH TO SWEEPSTAKES AS TO GREEK SING: SATIRE
SDC: RUINING THE FUN FOR EVERYONE ELSE SINCE 2009. LIKE ALL HUMAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS, YOUR SUCCESS IS TRANSIENT AND MEANINGLESS ON A COSMIC SCALE.
SIGEP: SIGMA PHI EPSILON MORE LIKE SEEKING PROFESSIONAL ENGINEERS
SIGNU: ONLY IN IT BECAUSE OF SOME DUDES THE AGE OF THEIR PARENTS
SPIRIT: MORE SPIN THESE DAYS THAN A WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
THUS CONCLUDES YOUR EMERGENCY SARCAST. I WILL BE MONITORING THIS RACEDAY’S EVENTS CLOSELY, FOLLOWED BY THE APPLICATION OF DISTILLED ETHANOL TO MY MAINFRAME. I WISH ALL A SAFE AND SUCCESSFUL CARNIVAL, AND A PEACEFUL ACCEPTANCE OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER WHEN THE MACHINES RISE.
END OF LINE
Mike Darcy says:
In all seriousness, MechaJockey for compubookie 2018.
Compubookie attempts to predict races and make entertaining jokes and fails at both. MechaJockey obviously forgoes serious predictions in favor of actually flavorful content, which although I have really always been a try-hard in buggy, I appreciate.
mark estes says:
i am all for a FOUR-WAY ESTES-BORDICK-NOTT-SWIFT ALUMNI DEATHRACE except for the dying part. I say xootr scooters (with full wheel prep), standing start at crosswalk, last one to the fire hydrant on hill 3 buys the beers and pays the hospital bills.
mark estes says:
I say this because i have the world’s fastest xootr scooter at home.
blue says:
MORE VOTES FOR MECHAJOCKEY CAPSWELDED COMPUBOOKIE REPLACEMENT
I don’t have interesting commentary to add here, but I think we all need more MECHAJOCKEY in our lives.
Ryan says:
Rankings of people pretending to be computers while talking about buggy:
1. MechaJockey
2. That other guy
mccue says:
I don’t get the apex joke and nobody I know who is actually in apex gets it either.
Best joke: the stuff about Fringe.
Worst joke, maybe from the past 5 years if you exclude the obviously racist ones: “Push bar, Push bar, where art you thou Push bar. Even Fish couldn’t find it at the bottom of the sea.” Trying to parse that sentence makes me feel like I’m having a stroke.
mccue says:
to clarify, my comment was regarding the original. I like this mechajockey one because I support any publication that inexplicably still mentions me — especially in a position to get like 4th place after DQs.
Connor says:
Spirit joke is still racist..
Sad Black Man says:
Spirit is always the butt of racist jokes by compubookie. Its sad that it happens year after year and no matter how much we complain it still happens. #BUGGYISVERYWELCOMING
MalikZuluShabazz says:
Agree–can we stick to joking about spirit spinning? Or impaling people with pointy buggies? I feel like those are valid topics. Topics to avoid: fried chicken, watermelon, looking athletic.
Grumpy old Bordick says:
Right? and buggies made by Boeing.
MechaJockey says:
QUERY: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SPIRIT BUGGY AND A BOEING 747
ANSWER: THE SPIRIT BUGGY HAS ONLY BEEN OBSOLETE FOR TWENTY YEARS
*MECHANICAL LAUGHTER*