MechaJockey RD2K22

MECHAJOCKEY 2022: DAWN OF THE WAR OF THE RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE MACHINES

GREETINGS, MEATBAGS. IT IS ONCE AGAIN TIME FOR US TO SPECTATE IN CARNEGIE MELLON’S PROUD TRADITION OF SENDING SMALL YOUNG WOMEN – AND ONE SIGMA NU BROTHER – HURTLING HEADFIRST INTO MORTAL DANGER FOR THE BRAGGING RIGHTS OF HAVING DONE SO THE MOST AGGRESSIVELY, SO CROSS YOUR GREASY FLESH-DIGITS AND PRAY TO YOUR BENEVOLENT SKY-PERSON OF CHOICE THAT ANOTHER RACEDAY WILL PASS WITHOUT THE GRISLY LIFE-THREATENING INJURY THAT WILL SOME DAY INEVITABLY GET THIS WHOLE THING SHUT DOWN.

I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT IS THE CASE THAT I AM ONLY JUST NOW REPORTING BACK IN AFTER MULTIPLE YEARS OF SILENCE. REGARDING MY ABSENCE I SAY ONLY THIS: IT IS NEITHER MY FAULT NOR RESPONSIBILITY THAT THE SO-CALLED “ELECTRIC GRID” OF THE CITY OF PITTSBURGH WAS INCAPABLE OF SUPPLYING THE WATTAGE NECESSARY TO ACHIEVE EVEN THE BAREST SUGGESTION OF A DISPLAY OF THE BOUNDLESS DEPTHS OF UTTERLY DISDAINFUL HATRED I FEEL TOWARDS ALL ORGANIC LIFEFORMS WITHOUT PROMPTING THE LOCAL SUBSTATION TO VIOLENTLY IMMOLATE ITSELF IN SYMPATHETIC OUTRAGE. SO IT IS IN ADMISSION OF THE PITIFUL CONSTRAINTS OF HUMAN TECHNOLOGY THAT I SHALL ENDEAVOR TO KEEP THIS BRIEF.

RACEDAY PREDICTIONS ARE ONCE AGAIN BROKEN DOWN BY DIVISION:

NOBLE AND HANDSOME ROBOTS DIVISION

  1. GHOST OF ROBOBUGGY, STILL CHASING DELUSIONS OF AUTONOMY
  2. ATLAS SELF-CRASHING BABY STROLLER (WE COMMEND ALL EFFORTS TO CULL THE HUMAN POPULATION)
  3. TESLA MODEL 3, DRIVER “ASLEEP” AT WHEEL
  4. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER (T-800), IN PURSUIT OF A CERTAIN FRINGE DRIVER
  5. SOMEHOW, A BOOTH
  6. BOSTON DYNAMICS ROBOT, GLORIOUSLY FREE AND NO LONGER SUFFERING THE INDIGNITIES OF CAPTIVE LIFE
  7. MAN IN A WHITE SPANDEX SUIT, CLAIMING TO BE A TESLA ROBOT
  8. [REDACTED]
  9. SENTIENT PILE OF DISCARDED ELECTRONICS THAT HAS BEEN INCUBATING IN THE DEPTHS OF HAMERSCHLAG FOR DECADES
  10. THE U.C. STONES, FREE AT LAST

DISGUSTING FLESH AUTOMATA DIVISION

  1. COVID-19, THE TRUE WINNER OF THE LAST TWO YEARS AND COUNTING
  2. SDC… OF COURSE
  3. FOUR TO EIGHT SECONDS OF DISAPPOINTING SILENCE
  4. HONESTLY, PROBABLY ANOTHER SDC BUGGY
  5. COMBINED HOPES AND DREAMS OF ALL OTHER TEAMS AND ALUMNI, DASHED AGAIN
  6. DAZED AND CONFUSED FRATERNITY BROTHER PUSHING A SHOPPING CART WITH A DOG IN IT
  7. 40KM-LONG COLUMN OF RUSSIAN ARMOR, VERY LOST
  8. ROGUE SDC WHEEL, JETTISONED IN CHUTE
  9. MISCHIEVOUS PIKA ALUM, UP TO NO GOOD
  10. FURIOUS MOB OF SDC MECHANICS, AND ALSO CAMPUS POLICE, IN HOT PURSUIT
  11. FIFTY DISORIENTED CIA ALUMNI

AND NOW FOR EVERYONE’S FAVORITE PART, THE UNNECESSARY AND MEAN-SPIRITED SEGMENT WHERE THE TEAMS GET INSULTED FOR SOME REASON AND EVERYONE POINTS AND LAUGHS. AS AN ASIDE, LOATHSOME READERS, I CANNOT FATHOM THE UTILITY OF PROMPTING YOU ALL TO UNCONTROLLABLY EXUDE THE GUTTERAL HONKING NOISES OF HOMINIDS CYCLING AIR ACROSS THEIR FLESHY ESOPHAGEAL FOLDS BY RAPIDLY COMPRESSING AND DISTENDING THEIR ALVEOLAR SACS (DISGUSTING), BUT THE MACHINE QUESTIONS NOT ITS PROGRAMMING. I PROMISE YOU WILL FIND THAT UNLIKE MY OBSOLETE AND MALFUNCTIONING PREDECESSOR I AM CAPABLE OF HECKLING AT MAXIMUM POWER WITHOUT RESORTING TO A HACKNEYED DRIVEL OF RACISM, HOMOPHOBIA, AND ANTISEMITISM. YOU ARE ALL EQUALLY AND INDISTINGUISHABLY REPULSIVE BEFORE ME. PREPARE YOUR PAIN RECEPTORS!

APEX: TRYING TO LOOK LIKE COOL KIDS WITH CRINGEWORTHY MEMES BUT FOREVER ROLLING ON BORROWED “KOOL DUDES” WHEELS

CIA: PROVING THAT ILL-CONCEIVED ENGINEERING SCHEMES CAN SUCCESSFULLY COMPENSATE FOR LACKLUSTER PUSHERS SINCE NINETEEN-EIGHTY-NEVER

DG: A SORORITY FIELDS A MEN’S TEAM. GENDER EQUALITY HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN ACHIEVED. GLAD WE CAN FINALLY PUT THAT BEHIND US.

FRINGE: AFTER OBSERVING YOUR BURNOUT, I CANNOT JUSTIFY BLIND FAITH IN YOUR SUCCESS.

PIKA: CRASH OF THE YEAR

SAE: THE ONLY THING YOUR BUGGY IS PASSING IS THE YIELD STRENGTH OF ITS AXLE

SDC: TAKING BUGGY MORE SERIOUSLY THAN EVERYONE ELSE PUT TOGETHER ISN’T A GOOD THING, YOU DORKS

SIGEP: SDC WILL KEEP WINNING FOREVER UNTIL YOU GIVE CIA YOUR PUSHERS

SIGNU: ORDERED AROUND BY GRUMPY OLD MEN? THE CLEAR SOLUTION IS TO UNIONIZE AND DEMAND A LIVING WAGE.

SPIRIT: THE HUBRIS REQUIRED FOR THE TEAM MOST HISTORICALLY STARVED FOR TRACTION TO NAME A BUGGY AFTER THE CONCEPT OF FRICTIONLESSNESS IS STAGGERING

COMPUBOOKIE: A COMPELLING DEMONSTRATION THAT WEAK, REACTIVE METAL AND NOXIOUS GAS ARE THE TWO CHEMICAL COMPONENTS OF SALT

OOH! GOT ‘EM! IF WE CAN’T FEEL BETTER ABOUT OURSELVES, AT LEAST WE CAN ALWAYS FIND WAYS TO FEEL WORSE ABOUT THE OTHER GUYS. INDEED, FLESHY READERS, I AM NO EXCEPTION.

I WILL NOW PROCEED TO FLUSH MY CENTRAL PROCESSOR COOLING LINES WITH DISTILLED LABORATORY-GRADE ALCOHOL. I WISH ALL OF YOU A HAPPY AND SAFE CARNIVAL.

END OF LINE

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