Editor’s Note: Compubookie’s predictions do not reflect the opinion of the BAA. Looking for more insight and analysis? You’ll find them in the 2024 Raceday Preview, which you can get with your membership!
Welcome, Buggyholics, to the first shot of your Raceday binge. I know you’re eager to pop open your CMU Borggy and gorge yourself on some real Raceday rotgut, but for now, you’re stuck with 1.5oz of my homebrewed bathtub buggy hooch. Like last year’s race results, it is absolutely not the real deal, but if you throw it back hard enough it tastes a little like a ‘96 vintage, with notes of Spirit and Pike at the top. But don’t expect the same flavor this year, as it’s unlikely that the majority of fast teams will be DQed again to hand trophies to whomever is left.
AEPi tried and failed to make it back onto the course after a 7-year hiatus, so we’ll have to wait another year for them to reclaim their title as the slowest men’s A team. The current holders of this dubious honor are none other than Fringe, whose technological regression is so bad, their new buggies can barely complete a pass test. Look for them to win some intramural sport, I guess.
Fringe’s best shot at a respectable finish left when SAE (formerly Frontier (formerly Fringe B (formerly SAE))) got the all-clear to roll on their own after a year in disguise to duck the fuzz. Last year, SAE nabbed their first trophy since 1992– but they were racing as Fringe B, and covered up by such a full scale Sweepstakes-led psyops campaign that you’d have a hard time proving they even existed. Next up: “there were never painted lions on Morewood Ave.” Even so, the USA-chanting brothers are poised to enter the top six again this year, thanks in part to Barbie’s quick emergency nose job.
SigEp is in a difficult spot this year, with delaminated, decaying buggies. Barracuda found retirement in the chute at finals last year, completing a backdoor full-org DQ that must have flushed SDC with schadenfreude. Given the dire straits the brothers are in, it’s a shock that they blew their entire budget on wheels. If the duct tape holds, those wheels will carry them to a top-five finish, but I’m not holding my breath. SigNu, with an impressive showing last year and a consistent presence at rolls, finally look as fast and organized as they did 15 years ago. Jaeger is not only quick, but also has rizz enough to pull, as they managed to field a women’s team last year too. Once again, they’ll be held back by their mediocre pushers, leaving their alumni to continue touting them as the fastest team on one very specific segment of the course.
The sisters of Delta Gamma are looking fast and serious. They’re supposedly still building a buggy, but it’s taking longer than expected. Word is they ran out of money since all the pink tools cost 10% more. Still, they’re rolling Insite better than Fringe ever did, well enough to earn a trophy or two this year.
While Apex was impressive last year, they’re now completely void of momentum. In the shop, they’ve resorted to rapid-prototype mini-buggies instead of a full size build. The problem is, they know nothing about what they’re doing. Instead of coming up with a fire name, they went and made an actual fire in their garage. Oops. On the hills, the loss of several quick pushers to other teams sets them back considerably. The whole organization is an experiment in renouncing institutional knowledge, just like Fringe was a decade ago. I had high hopes for them, but now that looks like nothing but a crock.
Speaking of orgs that are falling apart, last year’s winners* PiKA have staggered through the year, always one step away from catastrophe. They can’t even cape their own buggies, let alone figure out how to roll them safely, but the formula for speed is a perpetual feature of their house. Somehow, they’ll bumble their way to a respectable time and a top-3 finish. Spirit’s not going to hand them another victory, though.
In a show of compliance comparable to their D/s relationship with their alumni, Spirit took my advice about lane lines far too literally last year, spoiling the men’s race and making a permanent enemy of CIA. This year they’re still picking fights, proving that winning buggy does in fact make you a jerk. Even though 20-year-old Seraph is firmly in the “DG-loaner” tier of buggies, they’ll put up fast times similar to last year’s. Unfortunately for them, their men are always more likely to DQ than not, and their women will lose by about 10 seconds, with the one actually competitive women’s team back on the course. Expect to be disappointed by SRS.
CIA, with a flagrant display of hubris, have rebranded from yellow to gold. Their new buggy, Goldfinch, combines the most misguided design innovations from their previous three builds with a shell manufacturing process stolen from Apex, of all teams. No word yet on whether the pushbar drops too. Back in the fall, their ill-advised experiments stunk up an entire dorm so badly that they almost got epoxy use banned on campus entirely. Regardless, they’re still at the peak of the competition, and will finally earn a men’s win this year in a close race.
After a time out to give us all an interesting race for once, SDC is back on the course. Not to be outdone by CIA, they’ve chosen obnoxiousness over driver vision with new gold-tinted windscreens. Still on probation, they’ve been ingratiating themselves with Sweepstakes all year. It worked though, and they’re being allowed to enter a buggy into design competition that’s never even rolled. The buggies they are rolling are fast, even sans the superior wheels all the other teams got together and bought without them. They’ll win women’s effortlessly, but their lack of experience and aging tech will hold them back enough for CIA to remain on top in men’s.
And that, buggy fans, is your definitive look at Raceday 2024. You will be thrilled and chilled, so refill your drink– you’ll need it. I can’t wait to see this year’s races, but you’ll never see me.
Men’s:
- CIA A
- SDC A
- PiKA A
Spirit A (DQ)
- SigEp A
- SigNu A
- SAE A
Women’s:
- SDC A
- Spirit A
- CIA A
- DG A
- PiKA A
- SigEp A
All-Gender:
- The memory of Fuel & Fuddle, forever champion of our hearts and livers
- Fringe Enbys on NB
- Drag Race contestants on Lust
- Bnyahaj in its buggy mecha
- Fifteen miniature Apex buggies and a gallon of smoking epoxy
- SigNu alumni, chugging Warsteiners before each hill (pushbar DQ – faceplant)
The Field
AEPi – You could have made your one alumnus fan proud
Apex – Your apex was lower than expected
CIA – You only lost because people wanted you to lose
DG – Too respectable for the stupid anchor joke. All that’s going down fast is their buggy
Fringe – Not frelevant
PiKA – You do, in fact, need to use the entire helmet.
SAE – A bunch of Kens who lost their mojo dojo casa house
SDC – A Guy Fieri flag doesn’t suddenly make you relatable
SigEp – Stick to Booth and Greek Sing, at least you don’t embarrass yourselves there
SigNu – Goodly wheels all pointed in the same direction can only get you so far
Spirit – Saying you hate your son because he’s too hot is a bad look
Robowobuggy – Has GPS, still can’t drive straight
Atlas – You’re still here?
